As I'm nearing the final leg of this extruciatingly amazing adventure known as college, I'm feeling completely overwhelmed by how many choices I have and utterly lost with the decision making process. Do I want to go to graduate school in Florida? Do I want to go to graduate school in a different state? Do I want to take some time off and really figure out what it is I want to specialize in? Do I want to spend a year teaching English to students in a different country? As you can tell, my list goes from VERY safe, to VERY risky. To be completely honest, only one of those options really appeals to me and I'm incredibly terrified/excited/nervous/anxious/...happy about it. When I think about the life I would have if I chose this route, the feeling of happiness completely takes over. It feels like it's what I am supposed to do, or at least what I want to do so badly I'm telling myself it's what I'm supposed to do. Since we're being honest, the thought of spending more time than necessary in Florida urks me. It gives me that feeling of being completely trapped, of suffocating. Ever since I was a little girl I've wanted to move out of this state. I want to see the seasons change, I want to experience life outside of my comfort zone, I want to experience an entirely different culture, and maybe even have a summer that doesn't involve turning my car on (AC full blast) ten minutes before I leave to avoid third degree burns on my palms from my steering wheel. Don't get me wrong, there are many things I love about Florida; the beaches, the Florida sun, the entertainment, the fact that I can get just about anywhere in a matter of 40 minutes, and more importantly, my friends and family. These are all things I can come back to. My real friends and family are just a phone call away, and I will make new friends along the way. The beaches will always be here, as will the sun, and the entertainment will only get better (because I will ALWAYS live in a city...there is no country for this girl unless I'm visiting...or in Tuscany). The only hesitations I have about leaving the state for good (unless I magically realize how much I love it and move back) are my cousin, (Sarae) and my God daughter, (Ellie). Will they understand why I left? Will Sarae and I still have the relationship we have now? Will Ellie even know who I am? No matter how many times I throw these questions around in my head, the fact remains that this is my life, my future, and I have to make these decisions based on what I want, the life I want, and what I know will bring me the most fulfillment. I refuse to allow myself to become the 90 year old woman (yes, I will live until I'm 90, because I said so) that looks back on her life and thinks "I really wish I would have done A, B, and C, instead of X, Y, and Z." Do I want to get married? Yes. Do I want to have kids? Yes. BUT I want to do these things AFTER I've lived my life. I want to see the world, and make my own traditions so when I'm finally read to settle down, there will be no regrets. I will one day be able to say to my kids that I was able to devote my life to them, because I had already devoted it to myself instead of saying (like so many do) "I absolutely do not regret you, but I wish I would have lived my life a little first". I will be able to spend the rest of my life with my husband (happily) because I lived a fulfilled life before him. Let me just add (so as not to offend people) I'm saying these things because it's the life I want, and I have absolutely nothing against people that want to get married and have kids and never leave the town they were raised in, if that's the life they want. If we all strive to live the lives we dreamed of as children, the world would be a much happier place. So here's to the ending of my safe life, and to the beginning of the one that will leave me breathless. :)
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
-Maria Robinson
"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs, is people who have come alive."
-Howard Thurman
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