Becoming a Statistic

For all of the amazing things our glorious country is known for, marriage is not one of them. The United States is numero uno on the (recorded) divorce rate list for 2010, 2009, 2008 and I’m sure the years keep going (I sort of got depressed and stopped looking). Call me crazy but I believe that marriage is forever. When two people stand before God, before their family and friends and repeat the words “til’ death do us part” I really do believe it should be until death. Of course most people don’t say their ‘I do’s’ with the notion of divorce in their head, why then, do over fifty percent of couples in our country become that statistic? They stop choosing love, that’s why. They stop making their relationship a priority and they throw in the towel. A little over six months ago my parents decided they were going to put our family on that list. As I’m sure you can imagine the shock I felt when my mom sat me down to tell me my entire life was about to change. Who thinks their parents are going to get divorced when you’re in college? I certainly didn’t.  I felt like I was going through another break-up except this time it was a twenty-one year relationship. I remember talking to some of my friends about it and while they were all very sympathetic I recall some saying things like “well at least it’s happening when you’re older, it’s so much worse when you’re a kid and can’t comprehend what’s going on.” This statement frustrated, scratch that. This statement pissed me off more than anything. How do they know if it’s harder? They have no idea what this feels like. I spent twenty-one years knowing my parents as a married couple. We went on family vacations every year, we spent Sunday’s grilling with friends and watching football and we went out to dinner together at least once a week. I was always so proud to tell my friends that my parents were still married. I looked to them as the role model relationship that I one day wanted to have. I believed they were the parents that were in it for the long haul no matter how rough the road got so I’m sure you can put the pieces of anger I felt together when they told me they were giving up, that they had given up a long time ago and had only stayed together for my benefit. Seriously? For my benefit? Let me just tell you that’s the biggest load of bull I’ve ever heard in my entire life, and believe me, I’ve heard A LOT of bull. There have been three people in my life that I trusted more than anything. Three people that I loved unconditionally and that I never thought would lie to me and let me down. Surprisingly enough, they did. That One Boy and my parents did those exact things to me and I just wanted to scream. Actually, I did scream, a lot. I screamed, I cried, I laughed, I ranted, any sort of emotional expression you can imagine I expressed in those first few months.

If you know me, you know that I am an EXTREMELY rational person. I can usually see both sides of anything, even when I happen to be on one of the sides and so I continued to talk myself out of being upset because “I wasn’t the only one.” I would tell myself there were so many people in the world going through pain I couldn’t even fathom and I needed to suck it up and move on. Never.Do.This. Yes, there are people all over the world experiencing things so much worse than anything I’ve ever had to go through in my (very blessed) life BUT that doesn’t mean what I felt wasn’t real, wasn’t important.

Now, here we are, right in the middle of the first holiday season as a statistic and the next milestone in the life of the divorced is about to happen. I’m meeting the new addition to my dad’s life in just a few days and I’m not sure how to feel about it. The ten year old in me wants to be sassy and give her a run for her money (I’m a PRO at this) but the adult I’ve so unconsciously grown to be knows better. I’m not sure if she’s a packaged deal, or if she comes solo but I do know I’m not ready to think in terms of step-siblings. I always thought I would be more concerned with disliking anyone that came into my parent’s new lives but as I’m going through it the only thing I can think about is “what if I like her?” It’s very, very hard to win me over and if she’s capable of doing so I’m going to have to acknowledge that. For the first time in my adult life, I wish I had siblings. At least I wouldn’t have to sit through these fun-filled dinners on my own. On the other hand, I have been SO blessed with some of the most amazing friends on the planet and they are the reason I am where I am today.

No matter what you’re going through in life, let yourself go through it. Let yourself feel complete happiness when you’re happy, and complete sadness when you’re sad. Put your whole self in. Walk through the storm, don’t ignore it and I promise there will be a very bright rainbow waiting for you on the other side.

“A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there’s less of you.”

-Margaret Alwood

“When life turns, as it invariably will-when it seems nearly impossible to summon the courage to go on-there is only one best thing to do; put your whole self in.”

-from One True Theory of Love